Have you ever wondered why your life looks as it looks?

Since I was a kid I was thinking about why I am who I am, why I live where I live, why I look how I look, what is the reason of living. I still keep thinking about it once in a while. It really fascinates me.

I feel like my soul was trapped in wrong body. I have bigger dreams than everyone else around me, I want to look different than I look (I’m not talking here about losing weight), I’m a freak about symmetry while I’m not symmetric myself and I have totally different interests. Through my real life I’ve only met one person who shares my passion.

Sometimes I wonder how would my life look like if I was someone else. Would I be who I am now? Would I be this shy? Would I be more confident? More successful? I know nothing will really change, but I just like philosophical thinking.

I believe in soul traveling after death and that we reborn. My religion doesn’t believe in it, but I do. I believe we have already been living years or centuries before. I sometimes think I’ve been a bad person in my previous life and now I’m punished with this life I don’t belong to.

Philosophical thinking is a part of me. I don’t always control it and I sometimes realize I think about life and why life is as it is. I sometimes regret I didn’t choose different path of life and I didn’t study philosophy. But I guess I would have problems with finding a job.

Even if I’m trapped in wrong life I’ll do my best to have a life I’ve always wanted to have.


SFP: Beta test

This week wasn’t as successful as I expected. I realized my body is very weak and thinking about eating is making me more hungry than when I wasn’t paying attention to it.

That’s why I decided to treat this week as beta test. I know what I’m capable of and I changed my plan a little bit.

Speaking about food, I decided to eat the same as I used till now, but in smaller portions avoiding salt and oil and don’t eat when I’m not really hungry. I bought today turmeric, chilli and curry spices and I’m planning to eat dishes with them everyday, if it’s just possible. I’ve read they are good in losing weight so I’m planning to check it on myself. I also bought vegetable juice to drink for breakfast and supper, pineapple to eat with chicken and green tea with orange and mandarin flavor to drink few times per day.

Speaking about workout, I decided to start slow and work on my strenght first before I start proper exercises. I found some yoga videos which helps in burning fat and losing weight so I’m planning to start with it and add to it walking whenever I just can which will hopefully turn into running soon. I have very weak knees so I need to watch out what I do. I’ll do some exercises also, but matching my capabilities.

Also, I’m not going to starve myself and forget about my favorite, but not too ‘fit’, food and I’ll let myself for a sin once in a while. But it will happen after I gain some strenght and I’ll be able to burn useless calories while hard workout.

I’ll spare you ‘before’ pictures, because nothing really changed since last week. You can find them here if you are willing to read my previous post.

I really hope this week will be better than previous one. I won’t rush anything and I’ll slowly work on my perfect body. Wish me a lot of luck!


More and more

Sometimes I want to hide

From the whole world.

I want to find a safe place

And stay there.

Everyone just want more and more from me

But no one asks what I want.

I’m tired and powerless

I can’t stand it anymore..

My needs are important too.

My dreams matter too.

My life is valuable too.

I deserve to do be who I want.

I deserve to do what I want.

I can be lost sometimes.

It’s ok.

Don’t push me anymore.

You may lose me.


Too sensitive for a pet

I’ve always had cats and dogs, but they all were very independent so I didn’t have to worry about them.

But after Leo’s death (my previous cat) I became very sensitive. I all the time worry about Leona and have the worst thoughts when something wrong is happening.

Today Leona was sleeping and everything was ok, but she suddenly woke up and started to behave weird. I’ve never seen it before so I was really scared something bad is happening. Then I found out it’s just typical behavior for female cats in this period of time.

I had terrible time until I found out about this. I guess I’m too sensitive to have a pet. I’m wondering how I’ll behave when I’m a mom and my baby will behave strange.


Polish star

Those who read my blog probably already know that I’m not into polish music. Most of artists and their music is not my style. I like ‘west’ music (as we call it) and there are few polish singers who somehow meet my expectations.

One of them is Margaret J. She is not famous yet, but it’s just a matter of time.

I like this song very much. Video could be better, but it’s not that bad.

YouTube removed the video due to violation of their terms of use so I had to use Vimeo which I actually like more. If you watch it you will know why. But in my opinion it wasn’t violating anything. Rihanna has worse videos.


My dream friend

My dream friend. My perfect friend. My ideal friend.


Someone who will see me through.

Someone who will understand me without words.

Someone who will know better how I feel.

Someone who will help me.

Someone who will read my minds.

Someone who will stand in my door with lemon sorbet when I’m sad.

Someone who will make me open myself.

Someone who will be my biggest critic.

Someone who will be my biggest fan.

Someone who will push me to my limits.

Someone who will always be there for me.

Someone who will let me hide in his arms.

Someone who will be my guide.

Someone who will be my partner in crime.

Someone who will hug me.

Someone who will protect me.

Someone who will beat assholes who broke my heart.

Someone who will know me better than anyone else.

And still love me.

Where are you hiding, my friend?


Love the boy

Love the boy who kisses you in front of his friends. He is proud of having you as his girl and he wants everyone to see how happy you make him.

Love the boy who gives you flowers. He wants to make you happy and smile, he wants to show you how much he loves you. This little flower says everything he feels.

Love the boy who takes care of you. He will skip the night out with his friend to take care of you while sickness or help you study before an important exam. He will always be there supporting you.

Love the boy who sends you love texts. He thinks about you and he wants you to know it. He will send you first message in the morning and last message in the evening.

Love the boy who makes you his world. You are the most important person in his life. He wants to fall asleep and wake up with you, he wants to make you breakfasts to bed and buy you ice-cream on ‘those days’.

Love the boy who loves you more than you can imagine.