I did NOT miss you, College!

I’m after my 1st weekend with classes on my master studies. I’m just dead.

Waking up at 6 am, 10.5 hours at college, back at 7pm.

All I can do after is eatting (hardly as I need to move my hand) and going sleep.

At college I somehow keep myself together, but when I just leave it I’m a zombie. My brain doesn’t think, I hardly see on my eyes and when I reach the flat and I see my bed I’m not able to get up from it.

I don’t know how some people stand this 4th year in a row. I’m not able to function for those 2 days. I’m practically not existing then. Thanks God I’ll suffer only once per few weeks!

How is my first impression?

Lecturers are quiet fine. I liked one of them so much. She is very nice person and I’ll gladly join all her classes.

After only 1 day with my group, some people annoy me already. Or they think they are the smartest or they think they are funny. Comparing to my previous group it’s the same. New people replaced old annoying people.

My butt hurts from sitting for so long so I’ll eat my kebab now and move my dead body to sleep.

Have a great day/night everyone and may power stay with you!

xoxo

Young age crisis

I don’t know what is going on with me lately. I feel strange. I can’t even name it. I cry every 5 minutes without a reason. It feels like my body is going through some crisis.

I would gladly spend my life in bed in parents’ house without even going out anywhere. As I love Warsaw I don’t want to be there anymore. What the hell brain?

I’m not sure is it caused by a failure in looking for a job, bad luck which killed my cat and laptop or return of my depression.

I don’t know what to do with my life at this point. Should I keep looking for a job in Warsaw and make master or accept my friend’s offer to take a break from everything and leave Poland for a while or even forever?

I hope my mind gets stable soon or I will get crazy. This situation is making me tired mentally and physically.

xoxo

Better days

I could make a river with my tears

Not to hear this noise I cover my ears

Everyone just pushes me

But I still can’t find a key

I just need a little bit of peace

I want to finally get up from my knees

I feel like I am blind

And everyone is behind

Why I can’t have a bit of heaven

Let me just count to seven

One for the peaceful mind

Two for not being declined

Three for a smile on my face

Four for moving with grace

Five for feeling the love

Six for being above

Seven for closing my eyes

I feel like my sadness dies

I want my heart to blaze

Because they will be better days

xoxo

Negatives and positives of being an adult

NEGATIVES:

  • you can’t spend your parents’ money anymore
  • you have to clean and cook by yourself
  • you need to earn your own money for alcohol/cigarettes/drugs
  • you can’t run around a city drunk and naked
  • you don’t have summer/winter/christmas vacation
  • you have to wear underwear
  • you can’t sleep at work
  • you will go to jail instead of your house when you piss off policemen
  • food won’t magically find a way to your pet’s bowl anymore
  • bills will be issued on your name

POSITIVES:

  • you can drink legally
  • you don’t have to be home at 10pm
  • you don’t need to lock door to watch porn
  • you can go for a concert without being good for last two weeks
  • you can walk around house naked whenever you want
  • you can have a drink for breakfast, lunch and dinner
  • you can go to a club every night
  • you can invite guys/girls to stay over in your bed
  • you can smoke weed at home
  • you can scream while having sex

A story about a little girl

Somewhere in the 90s there was a girl who lived in a country which no one heard about. She was a happy and shy little, cute girl. She had a head full of dreams and innocent smile.

She was the only child so she spent time with her pets. She had a few of dogs and cats. She has loved them truly and cried for days when they left to the heaven.

She has always been happy, she liked to watch birds and play with frogs. She helped snails to cross a road.

She was wondering why sky is blue, why clouds are fluffy and why God cries so much during Fall. She has lived in her bubble, in her happy world.

She had a dream she lived with the longest. She was only few years old and she dreamt to write a book. She even tried when her age number contained two numbers.

But this dream died during growing up. She stopped being this happy little girl. The bubble burst. She had bad thoughts to end her short life.

For the outside world she had everything. In the inside she was crying. For all her life she was craving for love. She didn’t understand why her parents don’t love her. She thought she is unwanted. She wanted a little sister to love and get love from. She has got a brother, but it wasn’t the same.

She has suffered as no one ever should. All she wanted was support, love and care. Is it too much?

Where is she now? She grew up, she tries to be happy as when she was a little girl. She wants to enjoy everything as she used to. She dreams about book again. Maybe someday she will write one if she improves her skills.

She is not the same girl anymore, but she wants to be this little girl again.

xoxo

It’s hard to be alone

I got used to be a loner and I’m ok with that, but there are moments in my life that I’m scared of being alone.

I’m tired of thinking about everything and dealing with everything alone. I want someone, a friend, who will sometimes give me a hand and just lead so my brain can relax. I want someone who will give me a kick, someone who will let me cry in their arms, someone who will know I’m not ok even if I smile and laugh.

Loneliness crushes me more and more often. I happen to cry while walking on the street going back from college or mall, I cry before I sleep, I cry when I wake up.

I feel like I’m losing my strenght. I know I will rise again. I always do, but it’s harder day by day. When I’m on my knees I need someone to help me to stand up.

I don’t want to be forever alone anymore. I want to finally be a happy person. It’s all too much for me to deal with. All this pain, all this loneliness are killing me slowly. I’m affraid there will be a day when I won’t be able to stand up anymore.

xoxo

Parents love you the most? Bullshit!

I envy people who are close to their parents, who are the best friends with their moms and are their dads little girls. I can only dream about it.

My parents never told me they love me, they never asked me how am I doing, they never cared about me. I think they would be happy if I never was born.

No, I’m not exaggerating. You may say that everyone feels the same. Sometimes maybe yes. But in my case it was always.

I don’t talk to my parents. I never could just go to them and talk about everything. I always had to deal with everything by myself.

They have two kids, me and my brother. They always remind me about how much money they spend on me. My brother goes for a camp abroad every year. I once went for an abroad trip with my dance team. Once. It couldn’t happen without complains from their side, of course. He has everything he wants. I got screamed at when I said I need new phone because my old one which I had since high school was damaging.

They can’t wait to stop supporting me and they would be happy if I gave them all of the money they spent at me back. I’m not some spoiled princess who expects parents to give her money forever, but, in my opinion, it’s their duty to help their kids.

I can’t wait to be by my own. I can’t wait to earn enough money to be able to pay all bills by myself. I really can’t wait.

I’ll do everything to make it happen. And when it happens they will never see me again. I’ll be happy without them.

I don’t listen to anyone who says that they are my parents, I’ll get on with them better with time, etc. I don’t care. I don’t deserve for all this pain by being hated by my own parents.

I’m tired of crying because of them. I’m tired of being screamed at for no reason. I’m tired of being treaten as crap. I dreamt for a miracle to happen to let me leave Poland and forget about them.

I hope I’ll be able to run away from all of these soon. I’ll work hard to make my dreams come true and leave this pain behind.

I had to finally throw it out of me. It feels peaceful to whine sometimes.

xoxo