Is it worth to live?

Few days ago I’ve read a story of a woman who dealt with horrible bad luck for almost all her life. She even thought about suicide. I started thinking is it worth to live?

There are a lot of suicides, because of many reasons. Losing a job, being bullied, husband/wife’s death. There are many reasons to think to end the life. But is it really worth to end it?

As a teenager I had suicide thoughts, because I fought with parents all the time and I couldn’t stand this anymore. Right now it doesn’t seem that important, but in that moment it felt as the worst thing. The only reason I’m still alive is that I was scared of pain.

I’m grateful I’m still alive. After years I realized nothing is worth dying. Even if I’m unhappy it doesn’t mean I’ll be for the rest of my life.

I experienced a lot of great things. I made my dreams of travelling to Egypt and Lebanon come true, I met great friends who make me happy, I experienced exciting things, which taught me a lot.

As they say, after the heaviest rain there is a beautiful rainbow. I do believe it. If you are unhappy don’t end your life, just end your misery. Good things won’t just come to you. You need to go for it.

You lost your job? Take it as opportunity to start a new life. You are bullied? Stand up for yourself and if things are bad tell someone.

I’m not really religious, but I believe that God gives life and only He has the right to take it away. If you go through difficult time in your life, ask someone you trust to help you. Don’t let devil win.

Life is beautiful. There are amazing things you didn’t experience yet, places you didn’t visit, people you didn’t meet. Don’t let all those things to miss you.

And most importantly, don’t let people who love you to suffer. Even though you think no one cares, there are people who do.

xoxo

My new kitty

Today I picked up my new baby, Leona, from my cousin!!!

I’m so happy!!!

I love kitties and I’m so excited for a new one after few years.

I had a cat, Leo, for around 10 years, but he died a month ago…

I’m happy and sad at the same time..

But I hope she will be happy with me ♥

This is the only pic of her I managed to take for now.

She is running around like crazy! Haha!

I can’t wait for the happiness she will give me.

Whenever I’m in bad mood, I look at my kitty and life is better (:

xoxo

Things that I hate in myself

There are some things I don’t like and I want to change them.

This is a list for me to work on to be the prefect me.

  • I care too much

Someone may think why is it a bad thing? But believe me, it is. I care a lot and sometimes I care too much even for people who don’t deserve it. I’m not the type of person who gives up easy on friends and I keep caring even though it hurts me. I want to care less and stop as fast as someone stops carying about me.

  • I get angry quickly

I really don’t like it about myself. It’s easy to make me angry even about the smallest things. One wrong word and I’m a devil. I sometimes don’t react with angryness when someone annoys me, but when I’m in bad mood I don’t control myself.

  • I’m too mean

Sometimes I just can’t stop myself from being mean to everyone who is talking to me. I don’t know what causes it, but I feel really bad afterwards. This feeling is stronger than me.

  • I’m not confident

A lot of people tell me I’m an amazing friend, strong, carying. Just perfect. The problem is that I don’t feel it. Sometimes I do, but it vanishes fast. I want to feel that I’m as great as people tell me.

  • I’m very shy

Not cute shy. Shy shy. I would never speak to a stranger, I’m scared when I need to go alone to a new place, I would never go out alone. It paralizes me. I want to be able to do things alone, but I’m. Even if I travel alone I meet someone who I know at the destination anyway. I would never go for vacation alone and stay alone all the time.

  • I have problems with saying what I think

There are people I know who I’m trying to ‘please’ and I’m affraid to say something they may not like cuz I’ll lose them. Even though I know I’ll be ok, because I lost people before, but I still do it. I want to say what I want without fear people will leave and that I will suffer.

I hope I’ll be able to change those things in me.

I want to be the person people think I am and just enjoy my life.

xoxo

Racism is so passé

I don’t understand people who are hating on others, because of their skin color, religion or nationality. It’s 21st century for God’s sake! Multiculturalism is a normal thing.

We are living in the century where everyone can live anywhere they want. Races mix and it’s all ok. People have right to choose where they want to live.

Even in Warsaw, where I’m living, ‘different’ people on the street is a normal thing. Asians, Muslim, Black. They all live here. Seeing group of girls or mothers wearing hijab is nothing shocking anymore.

We all are people. We all have dreams. We all want to have a good life. Why would it matter are they white, black, Muslim or Christian?

I hate stereotypes. Why do you hate on something you don’t know? Borders are open and anyone can travel anywhere. Why would black man be beaten up in ‘white’ country? Why would Arab be called  the worst names? What have they done to you?

I sometimes hardly stay calm when I hear some bullshits about people of other nationality or religion. So what you have heard something bad about them from a friend of your aunt who has a sister who knew a niece of cousin’s husband, who (the niece) had Arab/Black boyfriend who treated her bad? Have their nation harmed you anyhow?

Let’s be serious. Bad people are everywhere. If Arab beats his wife, all Arabs are the same. If American kills his wife, he is just a mentally sick psychopath? I start losing my nerves hearing that. Why people are such hypocrites?

You want to judge? Cool. But judge a person not nationality or religion. I have a lot of friends from many countries and I can’t say a bad word about any of them.

The worst thing is, that racism doesn’t only show off towards different skin color. It also shows off towards people of other sexual orientation. So what two boys love each other? So what two girls are kissing on the street? So what boy likes to wear female clothes and vice versa?

Do their existance harm you? Their love hurt you in any way? If I ask you, why are you straight, what would you answer? Because this is the way I was born or this is what I feel like or this is how God created me. Hey, guess what? God created them this way as well!

I respect all religions and I don’t judge nor criticize anyone, but I don’t agree with sentences like ‘homosexualism is a sin’. Why would it be sin? Pure love is a sin? Who cares is it between man and woman or two men/women? Sometimes homosexual relations stay for longer and are happier than ‘normal’ relations.

Have you heard about homosexual celebrities having partners for 20 years? Sure you have. How many straight relations between celebrities lasted for longer than 20 years? Probably it’s countable on fingers of one hand. Have you heard about gay/lesbian beating up their partners? I doubt.

Before you hate, get to know people you hate on. I assure you, that in 99% of cases you will see how wrong you were to talk bad about them. I love multiculturalism and I hope people will become more open and friendly towards other races. Maybe then wars will end and peace will rule.

People are scared of something new, something they don’t understand. Instead of hating, get to know them. You can learn something from others. It doesn’t matter are they Muslim or Black. They have values in their life, just like you. If their opinions or points of view are different, it’s great! You have chance to see the world with other’s eyes and this will be priceless experience.

xoxo

Is something wrong with me?

This summer I spent at hometown and I was seeing a lot of people from school. Most of them are married or in serious relationships, pregnant or having kids already. Just I’m single. Is something wrong with me?

I focus on college, I don’t have any boyfriend and no kids. Most of those people having families who are stuck to our town forever are in my age or younger. Am I the only one who doesn’t want to be average person pregnant at age 20 and married at age 21?

I always prefered living in big city. I don’t like spending time at polish lakes or sea. It’s boring for me. I like places where are a lot of people from many countries, a lot of fun. I was happy at vacation in Sharm el-Sheikh in Egypt or Beirut in Lebanon. Those are places for me. I’m cosmopolite. Is it wrong?

I always felt I’m different than all of the people around me. I wasn’t interested in spending my time at river doing nothing more than drinking beer and smoking. I had the moment of it too, but I got bored fast.

I’ve always dreamt wider and higher. I always knew I won’t spend the rest of my life in my town or even in Poland. I want to travel, meet new people, achieve something in my life, make a lot of money.

I respect people who chooses to make family at young age, but only if this is their own choice not an accident pregnancy’s which makes them getting married, because this is the right thing to do.

I’m just different. No, I’m not arrogant. I always felt it. I want something more and I’ll go for it. I’ll achieve all I can, I’ll make my dreams come true and then, when is my time, I’ll make family. After I say: I’ve done something in my life.

xoxo

People change

I had few situations lately which made me realize how people and relationships change. From best friends who talk 24/7, share secrets and can’t get enough of each other, to total strangers who don’t even remember about other’s existance.

A month ago I met a friend who visited Warsaw after a year (he made master here) who I always considered as close and good friend. We rarely met when he has been living here, but when we meet I felt comfortable with him, we talked and laughed a lot and we just were close. When we met after a year it was different. Awkward silence almost all the time, nothing to talk about really. We behaved as strangers who pretend they are friends. It made me really sad.

I looked into my past and friends I had. Only few of them stayed in my life who I can still call friends. Rest just vanished. We are like strangers who never even knew each other. I used to suffer because of that as I didn’t understand why I’m the same towards them and they are cold and distanced.

But I grew up. I realized people change. Their behaviour, interests are different. I also noticed I’m different as well. People who I loved and kept as close friends at some point, now don’t really mean anything to me anymore. If they are around, it’s cool, we can talk sometimes. If they disappear, it’s cool too, I won’t miss them.

I stopped getting angry because of that. People come and go and get replaced by other people who suit my current life more at this point. Most of them will probably stay with me for longer. I’m not kid who is looking for herself anymore. I grew up, I know who I’am and what I want. The rest is just nice memories and experiences to find myself. I’m grateful for that.

xoxo

Something missing

Since a while I feel like there is a missing puzzle in my life. The worst is that I have no idea what is that and I don’t know how to find it.

In theory everything is ok. I’m healthy, I have places to live in, food to eat, I’m studying, I make my dream about blog truth, but I can’t enjoy it at all. I need something else, but how to find it?

I spend my days on thinking what is the puzzle. I admit, I don’t live the life I want, but I’m patient to work for it. First I want to finish college and gain some work experience.

This thing doesn’t let me have peace and happy life. I get annoyed, angry and mean in a second. At the moment I have everything I need. So what’s that?

It has been like that since several years and I still can’t find it. I’m not even close. I hope I’ll discover it soon or I won’t find serenity in my life any time soon and that will make me crazy.

xoxo